Through body focused systemic family constellations, you learn to recognize the importance of give and take in relationships. Give and take is developed in relationship with your mother while in utero, during birth and infancy, and in early childhood. The natural order is for mother to give to you and for you to take from mother.
There is a place inside each of us that longs for and needs our biological mother. She is our first relationship in life and we learn to give and take from the time of conception. It’s in this relationship with mother that we get our desire in life to connect with others, to want, and to need.
If your mother was not emotionally, physically, mentally, or energetically available to you for any number of reasons, you may feel abandoned by her energetically.
She may have had a difficult, unstable relationship with your father. She may have been anxious about her pregnancy. She may not have wanted a child. She may have had unresolved emotional trauma from her childhood. She may have been emotionally turned away in grief or mourning for a loved one who died. She could be carrying an unresolved emotional burden for the family system. Whatever the cause, you may have an unconscious energetic body imprint of not getting enough from her and it may be impacting you today.
Give Rather Than Take From Mother
Family system imbalances occur when the child, out of unconscious love and loyalty to the family system and to his or her parents, tries to energetically and unconsciously give to the parent. This runs counter to the natural flow of give and take in relationships. The child unconsciously feels the emotional need of the parent and tries to share or carry the parent’s emotional burden. The child continues to sacrifice him or herself energetically and gives to take care of the parent’s needs.
What happens when we give rather than take from mother? The child who tries to give by carrying or sharing mother’s burdens, places him or herself above mother. This runs against the natural flow of give and take in relationships. Life can’t fully enter someone who is feeling bigger than his or her mother. The child unconsciously feels “I will do anything to keep you well mother because I rely on you for survival.” “I will give you everything, even sacrifice myself for your wellness.” The child innately knows that his or her wellness is connected to mother’s wellness. The child relies on mother for survival, so mother’s needs take precedence over the child’s own needs energetically.
When the child (the small one) tries to give to the parent (the big one), the child will suffer energetically in some way physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, psychologically, or relationally. The child’s inner light grows dim from feeling too much emotional need around him or her. When the child attempts to share or carry mother’s emotional burden, the child loses connection to mother’s vitality. The child may shut down emotionally and be unable to feel. When we can’t feel our inner longing for our mother then we go numb inside.
As an adult, this numbness interferes with our ability to respond emotionally in relationships. The child will energetically merge with mother in this emotional burden sharing. This is the way the child ensures its own survival.
The child can never be successful at giving to the parent, unless it’s in giving gratitude or giving when the parent is in old age and requires care. The child may go through life feeling like a failure because of this lack of success energetically as a child.
Separation From, Merging With, and/or Rejecting Mother
This inappropriate give and take with mother creates an unconscious energetic separation with mother. The child doesn’t feel mother’s love even if mother is consciously doing a pretty good job. The child feels something is missing. An energetic separation from mother may set up an energetic merging with mother or a rejection of mother.
Children that lose connection with mother may respond emotionally in a number of ways. An emotional response pattern and body holding pattern may develop that continues throughout life, unless healing takes place. The child may take on the energy pattern of: I’m not good enough. I’m unworthy. I’m alone. I will die. I’m not safe. I don’t deserve to live. I don’t exist. I’m a failure. I’m left out. I’m separate. I’ll lose control. I’m not lovable. I’m not wanted. I’m not loved. I need to be perfect to be seen. I don’t need anyone.
Later Relationships
In an intimate relationship we may give too much in an attempt to keep our partner close to overcome the abandonment we feel from mother or we may push away to mimic the energetic space we had with mother. This is an attempt to heal our unresolved emotional bonding injury with mother. We may be emotionally triggered in later relationships if someone gives us too much (feelings of inundation or “I’m not worthy.”) or if someone doesn’t give us enough in return (feelings of abandonment or “I’m alone”). The child may also reject mother in adulthood because the relationship feels too close. In rejecting mother, the child may distance from mother in some way. In rejecting mother the child may become just like mother to maintain unconscious love and loyalty.
If you leave childhood still unconsciously wanting more from your parent, you take this into your adult relationships and you seek what is missing from others. If a man lost connection with mother, he may seek mother in all his female relationships, whether they are intimate, platonic, or with a sibling. In an intimate relationship, the relationship of give and take with mother is often mimicked energetically with your partner.
If you feel you have difficulty with give and take in relationships, then it’s time to transform your world. Always remember that this investigation into the past is always done without any blame or judgement aimed towards mother. The relationship was what it was. As a youth or adult we learn to parent ourselves and care for our own needs going forward.
