Patriarchy

Is there patriarchy in Family Constellations? The next few blog posts are going to address several topics of concern to individuals that search online for “Bert Hellinger” or “Family Constellations” and discover the man has critics. I am not going to address the critics themselves, however, I will address the topics of their criticism. First, I will mention that most individuals who become infamous do tend to have critics. One human being can’t be everything to everybody. In the field of psychotherapy, Freud has his critics and Jung has his critics. As bright innovative thinkers branch off from the parent ideology of their time with their own theories, those who feel threatened often become critics. Bert Hellinger branched off from the therapies accepted at the time with his theoretical approach called Family Constellations. This post will bring awareness to areas of your own healing that may need to be addressed – peeling back another layer of the onion.

Bert Hellinger is thought to be the originator of Family Constellations. When the work of Family Constellations is taken out of context or you attempt to fit it into a different model, there will definitely be confusion. I have been asked about these topics on several occasions so why not address each of them in a separate blog. I chose not to go back into the books, DVDs, or writing of Hellinger for my responses. Hellinger did not copyright Family Constellations because he did not want to limit the possibilities that Family Constellations held. Each practitioner comes away with their own take on the principles of the work and they add their own background to their constellation approach with clients. I will speak from my own experience of Family Constellations after training with many facilitators from around the globe.

Topic #1: Patriarchy

Borrowing from The Free Dictionary online, patriarchy is defined as:

1. A social system in which the father is the head of the family.
2. A family, community, or society based on this system or governed by men.
3. Dominance of a society by men, or the values that uphold such dominance.
4. The collection of men in positions of power, exerting such dominance.

The Questions Asked: Is it true in Family Constellations that there are dominant overtones of patriarchy? Is the father considered to be the head of the household and is he not to be questioned in regards to the structure of the family dynamic?

My response: I don’t believe there are dominant overtones of patriarchy in Family Constellations. I have had this discussion with other facilitators and there is no sense of patriarchy in the work unless the facilitator is strongly influenced by patriarchy and this becomes their blind spot in their work. We are never as effective as facilitators if we fail to acknowledge our blind spots and do our own healing work around them.

Family Constellations tend to be interpreted differently by each facilitator, although the many principles underlying the work do tend to have a certain universal truth to them. Thousands of constellations and the work of many facilitators reveal similar dynamics over and over in different family systems and these dynamics are accepted as the orders of family. Are there exceptions to these orders? – All the time.

The Field Aligns the Family

The energy of the field aligns the family system.  The placing of the family system tends to align the protector – the one who faces the outside world the most in the first position. Most frequently this is the father of the family system. This is followed by the nurturer – the one who bears the children and keeps the family home functioning for the raising of children. Most frequently this is the mother of the family system. This all sounds very traditional and it may instantly trigger a reaction in a man or woman who has worked hard to change this traditional dynamic, one who has rejected it within his or her own family system. If you are defensive or emotionally triggered by these statements, it’s important to explore your relationship with your own mother and father and address any unresolved emotional wounds you experienced through your family system. Father then mother does not set up a hierarchy, just as the first person to arrive in a circle is not the head of the circle. It sets up a relationship that supports the family system. The institution of marriage was initially set up to keep the man from leaving a pregnant woman or a woman with children without protection and support. She was more vulnerable with children in tow. It was a matter of survival for the human species.

Biological Evolution is Slow

Biologically, and over millennia, the woman has been considered the one who bears children, gives birth, nurtures children, prepares the food for the children, and keeps the home or shelter suitable for the family’s needs, etc.  A few decades of the women’s movement and women working in greater numbers in the outside workforce has not changed that fundamental energy dynamic.  The man has generally been considered the one to go out into the world to support the family. This has nothing to do with patriarchy or matriarchy within cultural settings. It is an energetic dynamic within the family system. Be aware of whether you grew up in a family system impacted greatly or wounded by patriarchic mindsets. This is an area of systemic healing work to embrace.

After thousands of constellations, it was evident to Hellinger that the family of origin is usually set up as follows, beginning with the father and moving to his left with the mother, to her left the oldest child, then the second oldest child, down to the youngest child.  The generations of ancestors stand behind the father and mother in support. All children of the family system need to be accounted for in the order including aborted children, children put up for adoption, miscarried children, stillborn children, and children that died young. Each family member belongs and has a place. The family system struggles with imbalance until each member is welcomed. The field doesn’t tolerate a family member being excluded. Sometimes the mother and father are switched around in order if it seems the mother has a greater protective, supporting role in the family system. This sometimes occurs if the father is incapacitated in any way. The one who faces the outer world energetically the strongest is usually in the first position.

Does it look patriarchal with father in the first position? It might if you feel wounded by patriarchy, but it is not.  Individuals who embrace a patriarchal system or those who haven’t healed from wounds being raised in one may misinterpret this arrangement as patriarchal.

Same Gender Partnerships

Family constellations are not all about heterosexual partnerships. I am not excluding homosexual couples in this description. In same gender partnerships, the individuals will energetically know their place on the right or left of one another.  This has nothing to do with social and cultural advancement. It shows what is energetically revealed when a constellation is set up for a family system – when we step back to let the field do its work.

Family Authority

To address the second part of the question, I have never heard it mentioned in any of my systemic constellation trainings that the authority of the father is not to be questioned. I believe this is a misinterpretation of the work. Respecting the role of mother and father as the givers of life is vitally important.  Being able to take in the love of mother and father just as they offer it is essential to wellbeing. Having compassion for the emotional journeys of mother and father is an outcome of understanding the big picture. Those dynamics don’t touch on authority. The mature adult and the baby both have equal value to the family system; however, the adult came first and gives to the child because they have already received more. Hence, the adult has priority over the child. Taken out of context this statement would be problematic. The couple relationship takes priority over the parent child relationship because without the couple the child would not exist. That doesn’t negate the importance of the parent child relationship. If the child becomes the confidante of one parent and hears the other parent denigrated, the child will suffer. The child has no place in the relationship of the parents. Context is everything in Family Constellations.

Right to Belong

Everyone has a right to belong in the family system regardless of what they may have done or not done. We shift ourselves from the narrow perception of childhood to the big picture of the whole family system. This does not excuse inappropriate behaviour of any individual. As you know, we cannot change what has occurred in the past. You cannot change others; you can only change yourself. If you experienced behaviour from your mother and father that you judge as inappropriate or unacceptable, then you need to do your own emotional healing work. As long as you blame and judge those who came before you, you will suffer or struggle in life. One of the principles is that “each individual does the best they can with the emotional resources they received from their parents and family system.” You have to find your way to being grateful for life itself, and address the rest within the big picture of your family system.

To expect anything different from your parents creates an energetic roadblock in your life. To be an adult still expecting something from your parents creates life difficulties. You will struggle if you dispute the principles that “everyone has a right to belong” and “everyone did the best they could” and hold yourself stuck in blame and judgement. Step out of your narrow childhood perception to look back at the bigger family picture. What emotional patterning, trauma, and backgrounds were passed from your grandparents to your parents? If you have to, go back another generation or two to find the source of the emotional woundedness in your family system.

Family Dynamics in Constellations

During constellations, the facilitator may ask representatives of a family system to shift to different positions.  The field often seems most comfortable with the father set up first, the mother next, etc.  It’s a family order that many individuals energetically and emotionally yearn for but don’t feel within their family system. If the family of origin is set up in a line, many individuals initially feel quite uncomfortable in their own placement within the family system. Many are shocked to find themselves way over to the right as a younger child. Too often they have spent their entire life sacrificing themselves in an attempt to carry the emotional burdens of the mother or father or identified with another family member with unresolved emotional trauma, and they feel themselves bigger than the parent or grandparent. The child begins to feel calm as they allow themselves to be the small one in the proper family order. They begin to allow themselves to take from those who came before them, rather than their old emotional pattern of living in agency – giving, giving, giving without caring for their own needs first.

Facilitator Background

The Family Constellation critics specifically point their finger at Bert Hellinger, so let’s look briefly at his background. I spent only 5 days at one of Hellinger’s international training sessions in 2012 so I am not an expert on the man himself. I have read most of his books translated into English. Hellinger is still alive and two days ago he turned 89 years old. He is a very bright, creative man.  Do I expect him to be other than he is? No, that would require judgement of one that came before me.  Has he made mistakes? I am certain he was.  Has he altered his thinking and approach over the years? I believe his work has shifted a great deal over the past couple decades. Has he been influenced by the input of others and events in his life? Yes, that is certainly the case.  That is how he first began to understand the greater systemic dynamics of family, by learning from the family systems of others. I believe we have just determined that Hellinger is human and like all human beings we excel when we learn from our mis-steps. What others call failure or mistakes are actually wonderful opportunities for learning.

Hellinger’s Background

Hellinger evolved as a young adult out of the dynamics of Nazi Germany. He faced the post-World War II massive national collective repression of emotion and energy in Germany, under the spotlight of the world as a perpetrator with many victims.  Hellinger was a youth when the Hitler Youth were being assembled and he refused to participate. He grew up in a family that resisted nationalism. When he came of age he was recruited to fight in World War II. Hellinger fought for Germany under Hitler.  When the war ended he was a prisoner of war in Belgium. After the war he became a Roman Catholic priest and spent 16 years living amongst the Zulu in South Africa.  He thought he was going to Africa to change the lives of the people and to convert them, however, he soon learned through observation and participation in the culture that he had a lot to learn from the Zulu and their transgenerational family dynamics.

Whereas the Hitler Youth were turning in their own parents in loyalty to Hitler, the Zulu showed great respect for their parents and ancestors.  There was no division between the living and the dead.  Hellinger listened and learned.  After 16 years he returned to Germany and left the priesthood and began to study various approaches to psychotherapy.  About 17 years later, while working along with other colleagues, he developed the Family Constellation approach to wellbeing.  He never copyrighted the concept of Family Constellations.  It is generally recognized that he is the founder of this systemic approach to individual and family therapy.  There is no set way to do constellations and the current work of others runs the whole gamut of diverse practice.

All other facilitators take the work and make it their own, drawing from their background work, study, and life experience. Each facilitator is influenced by their family system. All of my constellation trainers have held respect for the one who came before them – Bert Hellinger – as the originator of the concept and therapeutic approach. This does not mean agreeing with everything he did or said. Respect does not imply agreement. Respect implies an agreement to honour the other as a human being of significance, regardless of their belief system or what they have done.

Client Constellations

The client usually comes in the door with a very unhealthy body-felt emotional and energetic set up of their mother, father, and themselves.  That dynamic is frequently what keeps them stuck in life or unable to move forward in a healthy way.  This is what they took out of childhood at the cellular level of memory.  Unless we do our emotional healing work, we come out of childhood with a very narrow perspective of life.  We remember the dozen or so worst things our mother and father did.  We have no focus on all that they did that was good or functional that ensured our survival out of childhood. There is no specific objective for family constellation work; however, gaining compassion for the journey of your parents and grandparents is way up there.  You are 50% mother and 50% father.  What you reject in them you reject in yourself.  When you reject aspects of yourself, connecting with your deep authentic inner core is problematic.

Hellinger’s Influences

As mentioned, each facilitator will work from or through their emotional background.  A Roman Catholic priest comes out of a patriarchal background and belief system.  The army has been historically patriarchal.  Hitler had his own sense of the world and who was superior and inferior.  I’m certain that tribal groups in Africa have a certain sense of order to the family system.  These were key influences in the life of Hellinger. I don’t know Hellinger’s family system history with his own mother and father, but the rest helps account for any wayward opinions and mindsets that may have surfaced over the years and offended others. Did he soften his stance on many issues as the years went on? – Yes he did. His approach today is to frequently step back entirely out of influencing the constellation, other than to have his energy present. He may not even ask the client for any information. He may just set up a constellation to see what is revealed. Perhaps this is his way of addressing any blind spot he may still carry within himself related to the topic of patriarchy.

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