Family Constellations: Peaceful Possibilities with Dr Patricia K Robertson

Gaining compassion for the biological parents and their journey in life is key to the wellness of the adopted child. Gaining compassion for self is equally important. This blog series is just as important whether you experienced adoption, the foster care system, or were raised by anyone other than your biological parents.

Listen to the Messages of Your Body

Here are a few questions to consider and reflect upon that might guide you toward compassion. You may or may not have accurate details to answer these questions but imagine what you don’t actually know for certain. Please light a candle for each of your biological parents before you contemplate these questions. Sit in a quiet place and journal the answers to the questions as you go through this process. Be very aware of what goes on inside your body as you slowly review this list. Is there tension or tightness felt in your body? Be aware of where the tension is felt. Is there anxiety felt? Is there sadness felt? Is there anger felt and at whom? Do tears start to fall? Do you fight to hold back tears? I suggest you let tears fall. Just be very aware of each subtle impact on your body as you go through the list.

Be Open To Vulnerability

Be open to the experience of your body and soften or release each place of tension before going on. Breathe into the discomfort to help shift an old familiar emotional response pattern. Soften your jaw and let your mouth hang open. Uncross your legs and let your arms hang freely. Crossing your arms and legs is a closing, protective emotional response of the body when it feels vulnerable. Plant your feet flat on the ground. Take in a few deep belly breaths. Release any tension in your legs and soften the back of your knees. Your body knows the answers to many of these questions even if you don’t have conscious awareness. Breathe in this experience and allow yourself to open to a new inner image of your life and your biological parents. With each question close your eyes and imagine…

In what way are you 50% like your biological mother?
In what way are you 50% like your biological father?
In what time period did your mother become pregnant?
What age was your biological mother when she became pregnant with you?
How did your biological mother feel when she realized she was pregnant?
Were your biological mother and father married or not?
If not, what was the general societal reaction to unwed mothers?
Did your biological father know your biological mother was pregnant or was it kept a secret?
Was your biological father supportive of your biological mother in her pregnancy or not?
Was your biological mother pressured to give up her child for adoption and by whom?
Was your biological father involved in the decision to give up his child or was he excluded?
Did your biological mother create a feeling of shame in the family system with her pregnancy?
Was your biological mother rejected or shunned by the family system due to her pregnancy?
Was your biological mother sent away to a distant location to have her child?
What religious dynamic and dogma was behind your biological family system decision-making about the pregnancy?
What ethnic dynamics were behind your biological family systems?
Did your biological mother suffer in life due to giving away her child? (For example, did your biological mother go through life without having more children or struggle in relationships in some way?)
What emotional trauma did your biological mother suffer during gestation? Remember all gestational emotions impact the developing child – that’s you. The child will carry this emotional pain for her mother out of love and loyalty. “If I can’t be with you in life mother, I will remember you with my body.”
Is the adoption a family secret for either the biological or adoptive family and why?
Was the child adopted by others within their own family system or by another family system?
What age did the adopted child learn they were adopted and how was that emotionally accepted?
Does the adopted child have biological siblings that they don’t know?
Were the biological parents openly spoken about or was there silence?

Who Is Missing?

After considering all these questions, look within at your own emotional feelings about your adoption. What is it that desires to shift? Is your biological mother or father missing from your family system? Is your whole biological family system missing? Do you carry an emotional identification or entanglement with a biological grandparent? Is a grandparent missing from your family system? Are you missing from your biological family system? Be aware that everyone has a right to belong to the family system regardless of what they may have done or not done.

Separation

Did you suffer a separation wound or break in the bond with your biological mother? Healing this early childhood emotional trauma is fundamental to wellness. Adoption sets up the opportunity for this emotional separation to occur for the adopted child. All relevant family members feel a separation wound.

Reject

Is your biological mother and/or father honoured and loved or do you reject them? If you have worked hard to do everything different from your biological parents than you likely unconsciously reject them. If you refuse to address your emotions around adoption you have unconsciously rejected your biological parents. This is an energy dynamic you share with any child. What the child rejects in the parent will manifest in their own life and also surface in other relationships waiting for healing to occur.

Merge

Have you merged energetically with either your biological mother or father? If you can’t seem to heal the wounds around your adoption you are likely energetically merged with your biological mother and/or father. This can be shifted. Perhaps you have decided not to have biological children but rather want to adopt to give a child a good home. There is nothing wrong with this dynamic but you still have your own healing work to do around your adoption. The adopted child will teach you to heal your own emotional wounds.

Healing

Remember that in the process of emotional and spiritual healing there is acknowledgement of what desires to be healed, acceptance of what is in the family system, compassion gained for self and others, and respect and honour given to your parents for giving you life. We heal when we open the flow of love where it is presently blocked. We heal when we shift an unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship. Remember that a healthy relationship does not require a physical relationship.

Unhealed Systemic Impact of Adoption

Symptoms, chronic illnesses, conditions, or relationship issues frequently represent someone or a group in the family system that want to be seen, heard, acknowledged, accepted, or welcomed into your heart. For the adopted child this might be your biological mother, father, siblings, grandparents, or yourself. As a missing family system member, the family is trying to balance itself and so it is trying to connect with you spiritually and energetically. It will call to you with discomfort until you pay attention and heal yourself.

The spiritual realm does not work with the moral system of humans. The family system is somewhat amoral in that it will allow individuals to sacrifice themselves for the well being of the family system. Sensitive individuals and the innocent – children – will unconsciously sacrifice themselves for the well being of all. Out of love and loyalty to the family system, the child unconsciously says, “I will share your emotional burden mother – I will carry this pain, suffering, guilt, or shame for you.” When the oldest living generation doesn’t heal the wounds of the family system, it passes to the children and grandchildren.

The family system healing will happen with healing work you do to release yourself from the energetic entanglements you carry for your family system. The fate of your biological parents and grandparents is your fate – you are energetically interconnected regardless of physical distance. You will feel like they feel, you will suffer like they suffer, you will have hopes like their hopes, you will feel guilty if they feel guilty, you will atone like they do, and you will long to heal like they do. That is something you cannot change. You can however let go of any burdens you carry, you can let go of blame and judgement, and you can build healthy relationships with self and others.

We heal when we connect to the greater life force energy that unites us all. The family that gives up a child to adoption and the adopted child is in service to this greater collective soul for the spiritual development and growth of all involved. Adoption is a fate that provides an opportunity for everyone to become more loving toward one another, more inclusive to others, and emerge as healthier strong human beings.