My last post discussed the shift in the relationship with mother when a twin dies. Let’s look at many of the potential emotional response patterns of the surviving twin. The following core fears or perceptions may be some of the ways the surviving twin emotionally responds when a twin dies. They are not by any stretch of the imagination a complete list. If you are the surviving twin, you will have a sense of the core fear that you are carrying inside. It will be impacting everything you do in life. For any of these old childhood emotional response patterns that are holding you back in life, I suggest you seek some guidance from a good systemic family constellation facilitator or body-focused healing practitioner to do your deep emotional healing work.
Sacrificing Self
“Me too, I will not come to life.” What happens when one twin dies in the womb? A deep energetic connection exists for the babies developing together in the womb. The emotional response of the surviving twin will be immense and linger throughout life, unless they do their emotional healing work and shift the inner image they hold inside. The surviving twin may have sacrificed themselves energetically out of unconscious love and loyalty to their twin. It is their way of maintaining connection. For example, the surviving twin may be attempting to share the fate of the other twin. “Me too.” This creates an energetic emotional entanglement or identification with the twin that died. The surviving twin may not be able to take in life fully. They will always be holding back from committing fully to life events and relationships. They are unable to say “YES” to life as it is. It’s time to untangle that energetic identification.
Drawn to the Dead
“I remember you.” Whether the twin dies in utero, at birth, or anytime in life, the surviving twin may feel drawn to the dead. They may carry symptoms such as anxiety or depression. Let me review the meaning of the phrase to “feel drawn to the dead.” It means that you are energetically identified with, connected to, or entangled with someone in the family system that died or is unacknowledged by the family system. You are highlighting the need to remember someone in the family system. You may be the reminder that the family needs to openly express their grief. If a family member is missing or generally forgotten by the family system, they need to be emotionally seen and welcomed back into the family system, whether they are deceased or alive. They are seeking to take their rightful place in the family system. Everyone has a right to belong, regardless of what they may have done or not done in life. It is time to address the grief, the guilt, the pain, the shame, the sorrow, the resentment, the anger, or the rage. What heart-felt action steps can be taken to celebrate or commemorate the life of the twin that died and may be forgotten by others in the family system? Unconsciously, the surviving twin hasn’t forgotten them. They are still energetically felt in the body. Being drawn to the dead is energy deadening. What can you do to shift to a healthier, more life-giving way to remember?
Relationship Sabotage
“If I get close, they will die.” The surviving twin may avoid relationships altogether or be unable to commit in relationships. They may carry an inner sensation that the result of any relationship will be death. As well, the surviving twin may feel energetically abandoned. “I’m alone. You left me behind.” “There is no one there for me.” Abandonment may be felt by the death of the twin, someone so energetically close, or it may arise when mother is turned away energetically with her own grief. The child grows up fearing that if they get too close to anyone, that individual will die or leave me. “Once again I will be abandoned.” This may resonate with any surviving twin that is afraid to be in a relationship or is struggling to commit in a relationship. They may have a pattern of going from one relationship to the next. No one is ever good enough. They are energetically attempting to replace the one who shared the womb. They will never be successful in this mission. They may consciously want to be in a relationship but their own inner fears refuse to let that happen. They will energetically and unconsciously sabotage any relationship that gets too close. Additionally, if the loss of your twin led to an energetic pattern of victimhood in some way, it will take a conscious decision by you to intentionally step onto the path to do the deep unconscious healing work.
Lest You Forget
“I will not forget you.” “I will always carry you with me in my heart and my body.” When the twin died, the surviving twin energetically may have taken the deceased twin energetically into their body. There have even been cases were the surviving twin physically absorbs the twin that dies in the womb. This will have created an energetic entanglement that needs to be severed. Out of love and loyalty to the twin that died, the surviving twin holds an energetic imprint of their twin in their body. This imprint may manifest as a chronic condition – the reminder – or relationship issues that have repetitive patterns – I won’t let you go. This dynamic requires the surviving twin to let go of their inner fear, “I was afraid that no one would remember you.” Can the surviving twin find a healthier adult way to energetically remember their twin that died?
Survival
“If I’m not vigilant, I will die.” The surviving twin may carry a core inner fear for its own survival. The surviving twin may be afraid to fully engage with life. They may fear exploring the world in a healthy way. They may be overly cautious. If the child is young, they may remain very close to mother. Alternatively, there may be an energetic shift with mother where she suddenly becomes afraid of losing the remaining child. “If I’m not vigilant, they will die too.” When a mother fears for the survival of a child, she may energetically wrap her arms tightly around the young child’s body. She may fear letting the child out of her sight. Mother and father may be carrying guilt that they didn’t do enough to save their child. They may play the “if only” game. If only I had been there. If only I had done this or that. This energy deadening game can totally block the healthy flow of energy and love in the parent’s body.
What happens for the surviving twin or siblings? The child may miss the important early childhood stage of individuation from mother around the age of three or four. The child remains in the energetic boundary of mother and doesn’t develop a strong sense of self. The child only knows him or herself through the mother. There is no energy connection to their deep authentic core self within. The child may develop the symptoms of respiratory conditions such as asthma to express this tight energetic hold around the body. The child may panic if they get too far from mother. They may breathe in a shallow manner or struggle to breathe. The child will be afraid to fully take in their life force energy or to breathe in life deeply. This will impact the child and future adult until they do their own body-focused emotional healing.
Fight, Flight, or Freeze
In a situation of trauma or fear, the child might experience contractions and tightening of the body because the fear was immense and an expression of grief had no place to go. The surviving child may be locked into a paralyzing energy pattern. Their eyes might hold a blocked energy pattern if they witnessed the death. They may hold peculiar body sensory memories of the traumatic event through colour, smell, taste, or sound, or experience nightmares or the body-holding patterns of long-term stress. It is important to look at each body memory or symptom in context and recall when the symptom began or what the language of the body has to say. Life-threatening events or the fear of dying scatters the memories of those events, especially when the child is young.
When fear occurs, reactive thinking takes over and language is one function that scatters and goes into the unconscious mind or body. Recovering this information involves listening to the unconscious language of the body. This is language that comes out of you without any thought. The body holds the answers to your wellbeing. The body holds the key to healing itself. When the sympathetic division of the autonomic nervous system is activated – fight, flight, or potentially freeze results – individuals can become speechless. The language function can be lost but the words get scattered and buried in the cells of the body.
Over time the words bubble to the surface seeking resolution. They may be revealed in fragmented pieces. Another language issue related to deep trauma may be stuttering. Ask the question, “What is not being talked about in the family system?” This will have a different context for each family. There may be a family secret or there may be a lie that has been allowed to linger for generations. It could even be something deeper in the family history such as murder many generations back. We do come from ancestral histories where sometimes you were the victim, and sometimes you were forced to be the perpetrator, perhaps for survival. What happened that wasn’t exposed? What guilt is being carried? Who didn’t get punished for a crime they committed? Who was punished for a crime they didn’t commit?
Made a Pact With God
“God, if you bring back my twin, I’ll be good.” The surviving child may become the one who is always good. They will be good to be seen by the family system. They are remembered as the good one. They may be the one who is attentive to the needs of the parents. Remember that the family system has irrevocably shifted with the death of the child. A variety of emotional response patterns will develop within a family in mourning. This is a way of living in agency, taking care of your parent’s needs before your own, and it is energy deadening. You may be attempting to lighten your parent’s emotional load. “I’ll carry it for you mother.” Anytime you are in an energetic entanglement it is energy deadening. Perhaps you carry the energy of the martyr. It’s time for you to make the conscious decision to release yourself from this pact with God. You are the only one suffering while it exists.
Addictions
“I’m empty.” “I don’t exist.” The surviving twin may live with addictive behaviours. They may be attempting to fill that empty void they feel inside. Doing body-focused healing work to connect with your authentic self within is a way to begin the journey back. One has to sit with the discomfort inside to feel the emotions inside. In order to heal inside we need to feel our energy flowing through our body – we need to feel each painful and soothing emotion. Human beings don’t heal if they remain outside their body. They need to ground to Mother Earth to heal. That is part of the human condition.
Part of Me Died
“I’m not whole.” “I’m incomplete.” The surviving twin may feel like a part of them has died. They may feel like they were torn apart. They may be left feeling empty. This might be especially relevant for identical twins that share 100% of their DNA. Identical twins develop from a single zygote; one egg cell joined by one sperm cell and it separates. They are genetically identical. However, they are not epigenetically identical. When a twin dies, it is the epigenetic expression of the genes following the emotional trauma that directs an individual’s life in a different direction. This dynamic is evident in situations where the twins are separated at birth and raised in different adoptive homes. Many twin studies look for the similarities; however, it is the differences that tell the story. In other situations, fraternal twins develop when two eggs are fertilized at the same time by two sperm cells and they are genetically like any other pair of siblings. However, we can’t ignore the powerful developmental time shared in the womb and the shared exposure to mother’s emotions during and after that time period.
As I was writing this post, an unconscious Freudian slip occurred. I thought I typed, “losing a twin,” but what showed up on the page was “loving a twin.” I took this to have significant meaning from a source beyond myself. Let me add to this post that when we lose a twin, we will do everything and anything to show our unconditional love for our twin, and this includes sacrificing our own wellbeing. The love relationship is so intense that it is difficult to express in human terms.
Stay tuned for my next post where I describe family system dynamics that may originate when a twin dies or when one is otherwise “drawn to the dead.”
