Is the relationship with your mother problematic? Perhaps your mother has passed to the other side and you have some regrets? It’s never too late to shift the inner image you hold of your mother. This is not about creating a fairy tale about your relationship. It’s about looking back at the big picture. The daughter leaves childhood with a narrow view of her mother. She remembers the dozen things mother didn’t do well. The daughter doesn’t integrate all the things mother did right to bring her to adulthood. The daughter isn’t usually focussed on the greater systems surrounding her mother. The daughter often does not have knowledge of the trauma in mother’s background and the impact it had in her life. Shifting the relationship you have with your mother means developing compassion for the journey mother had through her childhood and life. What emotional response patterns did your mother develop in her childhood to the environment around her? What emotional patterns did your grandparents and great grandparents pass down to mother? You need to remember that mother could only be emotionally what she learned and absorbed from others, and what she carried epigenetically for her family system.
Did mother or her ancestors experience emotional trauma that was left unresolved or repressed in the family system? This unresolved emotional trauma is stored in the cells of the body. It is passed on to the children. Is there a pattern of emotional distancing in the family? What can be done if there is an unhealthy relationship with mother?
One key aspect that seems to show up continually in systemic family constellation work is that daughters seem to be able to engage in life and relationships more successfully when they are positioned in their mother’s circle of energy in a healthy way by around the time of puberty.
Individuation
I would like to clarify that there is a major difference between a “circle of energy” and an “energy boundary.” Being in mother’s circle of energy is not the same as remaining in mother’s energy boundary. The two are very different. To be a teenaged daughter in your mother’s circle of energy is a good thing, however, to be a teenaged daughter still in your mother’s energy boundary is not a good thing. Let me explain the difference.
Circle of Energy
In the journey through early childhood, a daughter is hopefully in the process of beginning to individuate from mother by about three or four years old. The hippocampus of the child’s brain is more fully developed for the functions of memory and emotions at that time. The child is less biologically dependent on mother for survival. The child is more open to relationships with others. The child slowly moves away from mother to explore the world beyond her. The child begins to feel okay playing away from mother, perhaps going to a playschool or preschool for a few hours each day. Perhaps the child feels okay playing for a while at the home of a friend.
If this individuation process moves in the right direction, the daughter develops her own healthy energy boundary. She will be able to sense her own inner wellbeing separate from her relationship with mother and relationships with others. She will connect to her inner core to feel her wellbeing. She no longer needs to look to others to know if she is doing well. This process of individuation continues throughout childhood and adulthood as the daughter relies less and less on mother to understand and feel her own wellbeing. When the woman is triggered emotionally by some event or the words or actions of another person, she doesn’t feel threatened like she did as a child. She doesn’t need to be defensive since she knows her worth inside. She doesn’t need to rationalize over and over in her head. Instead she connects to her inner core to find wellbeing, to soothe herself, to self-parent when she feels she didn’t get enough from mother and/or father, and to give unconditional love to herself. The woman who is connected to her authentic inner self feels connected in a healthy way to the greater systems around her.
To be positioned in mother’s energy boundary long past childhood is problematic. I have written about the significance of each individual developing a healthy energy boundary with others. If you are still in your mother’s energy boundary as an adult, caring for her emotional needs and entangled with her emotional burdens in life, you will struggle in life one way or another. The daughter will struggle to individuate. The energy of mother draws the daughter back to her continually. As a baby or child, the daughter may have unconsciously sacrificed her own wellbeing for the wellbeing of her mother. The baby may have felt like her survival was threatened at times. Later, as the daughter attempts to individuate, she feels guilty if she leaves mother. Emotional wellbeing requires you to separate from mother’s energy boundary and develop your own healthy energy boundary. To have physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, financial, and relational wellbeing as adults, you need to have a strong healthy relationship with your deep inner core self. This is the foundation for having a healthy energy boundary with others.
Mother Unable to Let Go
Mother may have trouble letting her daughter leave her energy boundary. Mother feels lonely when her daughter moves away from her side. Mother’s early separation wounds or bonding injuries with her mother (grandmother) as a baby and young child rear their head. Mother feels abandoned when her daughter moves out of her energy boundary. Mother doesn’t consciously realize that her daughter is taking care of her (the mother’s) emotional needs. The daughter is living in agency with her mother and this is energy deadening for the daughter. Mother feels off balance as the daughter moves away emotionally and energetically. Mother may emotionally collapse when her daughter goes off to college or university in another city. Mother struggles when the nest is empty.
Mother unconsciously projects her own fears and emotional trauma onto her daughter. Mother draws her daughter back to her over and over. Mother is unable to sever the energetic umbilical cord with her child. This creates an unhealthy relationship between mother and daughter. Remember that a close relationship with mother is not always a healthy relationship with mother. For example, a daughter that is mother’s best friend or mother’s confidante in life is not likely a healthy relationship. This process is relevant for daughters or sons. Healthy individuation in life means you need to pass mother’s emotional burdens back to her – since she is the rightful owner. You need to feel confident that mother can carry her own burdens in life. If you experience your mother as weak, you may not be able to energetically pass the emotional burdens back to her. Each of us is stronger when we live our own fate and carry our own emotional burdens, no matter how difficult the burdens may seem. It may be emotionally helpful to experience mother with a system of support behind her such as her parents and grandparents.
Some children feel like they were born to take care of their mother. I have spoken about babies and children unconsciously sacrificing themselves out of love and loyalty for the wellbeing of the greater family system. If the developing baby feels mother’s emotional energy as needing support, the baby will unconsciously offer to share or carry mother’s emotional issues. This dynamic continues until you acknowledge it consciously and do some systemic healing work to shift it. If you are carrying mother’s emotional trauma, you may also be carrying maternal grandmother’s emotional trauma. The three-generational impact is important to consider here. While maternal grandmother was carrying her daughter (your mother) in the womb, did any emotion event or trauma occur to impact her? Was grandmother well supported by her partner and her family during her pregnancy? What was happening in that region of the world during that period of time? One emotional trauma would impact grandmother, mother, and you, since you are one of the eggs present in the ovary of the developing baby (mother) by about 5 months gestation. These emotional impacts can have a huge effect on a family system over many generations epigenetically.
Too Much of Mother
Sometimes mother’s are emotionally distant, yet physically present. Mother may be overly present. Mother’s may overwhelm their children energetically because of their own inner woundedness. A daughter may feel overwhelmed by mother’s energy being too much or too overpowering all the time. The daughter may energetically struggle to exist or to be seen. She may unconsciously attempt to push mother away. This may or may not show up in her physical behaviour. It may be an internal feeling of pushing away. It may be mirrored later in relationships. A partner will get close and the woman will push him or her away. She will need a lot of space. It feels energetically like too much when the partner gets close, just like the relationship with mother.
Helicopter Parents
Helicopter parents, if you recognize yourselves here, tend to live this dynamic with one or more of their children. If you are not familiar with the term “helicopter parent,” I pulled a definition from Oxford Dictionaries Online:
“A parent who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child or children: some college officials see all this as the behaviour of an overindulged generation, raised by helicopter parents and lacking in resilience. Origin 1980s: from the notion of the parent ‘hovering’ over the child or children.”
Helicopter parents are the ones who show up on university campuses, arguing with professors to get the “A” grade they feel their adult child deserves. Helicopter parents take care of life for their adult children. Helicopter parents remain in control of the lives of their adult children. Helicopter parents might enjoy having their adult children live at home long after it is time for them to move out on their own. This is different than a cultural practice of multi-generational households, although it might still be relevant in some situations. Helicopter parents are afraid to let go. They are afraid to let their children learn through failure. It would be interesting to do a study on helicopter parents. I wonder how many helicopter parents experienced emotional distancing or hands off parenting in their childhood? Their emotional response may be to overcompensate and inundate their child emotionally.
Not Enough of Mother
When a woman feels like she didn’t get enough emotionally and energetically from mother, she may merge with mother or judge mother. In judging mother, she rejects mother. In rejecting mother she may also merge with mother. If you intentionally attempt to do things the opposite to your mother, you have energetically rejected her. This daughter may turn around and overwhelm her children energetically. Responding from her own inner woundedness, she may overcompensate. She overwhelms her children energetically. In being too much or too close energetically for her children, the children may eventually turn around and respond the opposite with their children, if they have any. These inundated children may give less emotionally and energetically and be less present for their children. A family pattern may develop where the generations begin to flip back and forth from abandonment to inundation and then back to abandonment again.
Rejecting Mother
If a daughter leaves childhood blaming mother for energetic abandonment or inundation, an unhealthy relationship exists that needs to be addressed for emotional wellbeing as an adult. Sometimes the daughter may feel like something isn’t right in life, but she isn’t consciously able to put her finger on the issue or to name it. She just feels stuck in life in some way. Life feels incomplete even when she has everything she needs in a material sense. She may continually struggle in life in relationships or with employment situations. The daughter may have unconsciously or consciously rejected her mother and/or merged with mother. In rejecting mother she may take on some of mother’s less favourable characteristics and qualities. This is how the daughter unconsciously or subversively shows her love to her mother, or how she remains connected to her mother if there is estrangement. As the daughter ages, she may feel like she is becoming her mother. It’s important to understand that the feelings of abandonment or inundation are part of human development and they are not pathological. However, they do influence life in a huge way until you learn to minimize or reduce their impact.
Life Force Energy
There are many emotional response patterns developed early in life. When the daughter has a separation or bonding wound with mother, as discussed in Part 1 of this post, she may have difficulty taking up space in the world. She may not feel worthy or deserving of taking up space in the world. She will not have a healthy energy boundary of her own. She may be without a boundary or she may have built up rigid energetic armour to guard her heart and deep inner core self. The daughter may have difficulty breathing in her full life force energy. She may not be able to take in nourishment in a healthy way. She may not be able to take in deep healthy breaths of oxygen. She may be a shallow breather. She may hold her breath whenever life gets a little challenging. She may withdraw or pull away when relationships run into conflict or obstacles.
Mommy or Daddy’s Girl
A daughter may struggle to commit fully in relationships if her heart belongs to mommy or daddy. She may feel guilty if she gives her heart to another. She may struggle to create intimacy in relationships. She may feel like she is betraying her mother or father if she enjoys a sexual relationship with an intimate partner. If mommy and/or daddy are placed high on a pedestal above reproach, the daughter will find constant fault in her partner. The partner can’t live up to the expectations of the woman. Mommy is the child’s first love and daddy is the daughter’s first love of the opposite gender, even if the relationships are not ideal. To find success and happiness in relationships as an adult, the daughter will need to separate herself from these energetic entanglements. To find success as a woman and become emotionally mature, a young girl needs to be firmly planted in her mother’s circle of energy, not mother’s energy boundary, with all her long line of strong, effective female ancestors that did the best they could for their families greater. There were women in the family line that got it right. When a woman doesn’t have a healthy relationship with her mother, she needs to make her way back to her mother energetically – if not in the material world – then in the spiritual realm. This journey back requires you to explore the past, to acknowledge what was without blame or judgement, and to develop compassion for the life journey of mother, regardless of how well you thought she did in her role. This is how you shift the inner image you carry about your mother. It’s not about making up a new story or creating a new narrative. It’s about acknowledging the greater systemic reality of the past as you expand to take in the big picture view of your family system and its place in your community and in the universe.
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