This post supplies you with boundary setting exercises. I experienced these exercises in various forms at workshops and trainings. Boundary setting is essential to sever energetic entanglements with the living and the dead. In Systemic Constellations, a long scarf is frequently used to create a physical reminder that there is an energetic separation between the living and the dead. We exist in different realms of vibration. The scarf laid out on the floor seems to help those who are energetically drawn to the dead in some way. Quite often these individuals don’t seem to be able to find the strength within themselves to create this separation. The reason is that in many situations they have never had a self-boundary. They may have lived since birth in the energy boundary of their mother and in some cases their father. If they identify with someone else in the family system they may be in the boundary of dead siblings; grandparents; aunts or uncles; those who commit suicide; the dead in a war on either side; those who experienced tragedy; individuals missing; children aborted, miscarried, or stillborn; the victim or the perpetrator; or any other entanglement in the family system.
In Systemic Constellation work one-on-one with clients I often bring boundary setting exercises into the constellation. If the client is working to release a burden or to create a healthy relationship where an unhealthy one currently exists, having the client set up a boundary with a long string of yarn around themselves is very energetically moving. The client feels the needed separation at a very deep level. It provides them with strength. They may picture the boundary as an island. Adding some ancestors behind them reinforces this feeling of strength. Developing a strong healthy boundary in daily life does take time. It’s not magically learned from a constellation. A constellation can be done in a traditional format and the client has an inner image shift of the unhealthy relationship in the constellation. After the constellation energetically radiates out into the family system, the client may ask, “What’s next?” Boundary setting is next. Boundary setting with the living and boundary setting with the dead. Boundary setting allows unhealthy relationships to shift into healthy relationships.
In Systemic Constellations a representative can be set up for “Client’s Strong Healthy Boundary.” In a way it has some of the same impact as setting up “Client’s Highest Good.” However, the difference is that the client takes responsibility for their own wellbeing and it is not left abstract. The client needs to learn boundary setting. It is essential to emotional and energetic wellbeing. Boundary setting is one of the first exercises I do with all of my clients, even before I set up a constellation, and it frequently needs to be reinforced over time. Once a constellation is set up I can refer to them maintaining their boundary over and over.
Old habits reinforced through the neuronal pathways of the brain are difficult to shift. Being aware of one’s energetic and emotional boundary requires you to be in your body. If you’re not in your body then these old pathways definitely rule your unconscious. Boundary setting exercises force you to drop into your body. We have come to understand that emotions are stored in or imprinted on the cells of the body. Many people remain outside their body because the emotional energy in their body is uncomfortable. Unresolved emotional baggage can make life unbearable in the body. All that old emotional trauma and woundedness may have you living outside your body without a boundary, or to the contrary, surrounded with rigid emotional armour. The need for abs of steel may be your emotional armour and your energetic boundary. Others shallow breathe; not realizing it’s an unconscious defensive mechanism to keep from feeling energy flow freely through the body. Learning to breathe in oxygen deeply and freely may seem obvious to life, however, many rarely experience deeply breathing. Accepting your life force energy is vital to wellbeing.
Boundary Setting Exercises
Setting boundaries is so important that I pulled the following two exercises out of my book, Source of Life, Source of Healing (pending publication) to share with you here. I didn’t create these exercises but I adapted them to my work with Systemic Constellations.
Do you know if you have a strong healthy boundary or not? Here are some clues for you to consider:
- If you can’t say “no” without feeling guilty, you likely lack a strong healthy boundary.
- If you take care of everyone’s needs at the expense of your own needs, you likely lack a strong healthy boundary.
- If you let others easily into your personal space without any awareness about how that is impacting you, you may not have a strong healthy boundary.
- If you have difficulty being in relationship with others, you likely lack a strong healthy boundary.
A couple of simple ways to get a felt sense of your boundary, or whether you lack one, is to work with another individual.
Exercise 1
Step 1: For the first part of Exercise 1, one person will be the Stander and the other will be the Walker. This may be done as a formal constellation or not. I believe that anytime two or more people meet or work energetically together a constellation has been set up. Begin by facing one another about 50 feet or 15 metres apart. You may have to go outside to do this if you don’t have enough space inside. As you face one another at the full distance apart, take a few deep breaths.
Step 2: The exercise begins with the Stander remaining still but in their body aware. The Walker will slowly take very small steps toward the Stander, pausing after each step is taken. The Stander is to be in touch with what is going on inside their body as the Walker approaches. The Walker can also pay attention to what is going on in their body as they move forward. Pay attention to any anxiety, tightness, desire to push the walker away, desire to draw the walker in close, etc. and where in the body it is felt? Be aware of thoughts that pop into your mind.
Step 3: The Walker continues to step forward slowly until the Stander feels they want the Walker to stop. The Stander holds up their hand in front like a stop sign to indicate the Walker is to stop. Both the Walker and Stander remain where they are standing. Both the Walker and the Stander make a note of what they felt in this first part of the exercise. Could you feel it when you came in contact with the other person’s energy field? Did you feel that you had a strong healthy boundary? Do you use this same boundary in your daily life or habitually compromise it? Do you listen to your inner voice and take appropriate actions for yourself or do you ignore it and suffer the consequences of discomfort and tension inside? The Walker may have felt they wanted to stop sooner, or the opposite, they may have wanted to walk right up to the Stander and move in close to them (perhaps indicating a lack of boundary).
Step 4: For the second part of Exercise 1, the Walker will take one more step toward the Stander beyond the imaginary stop line. The Stander benefits by paying attention to what is going on within their body when someone violates their boundary. Similarly, the Walker pays attention to what is going on within their body when they violate the boundary of someone else.
Step 5: In daily life, do you require a great deal of space from others or are you comfortable with many people close to you? Who do you allow to get close to you? Who do you keep at a distance? Surprisingly, the answers may indicate either healthy or unhealthy boundaries with others.
Exercise 2
Cut two twenty-foot pieces of wool or string. Each member of the pair rolls up the wool or string into a small ball and sets it aside. This exercise works especially well when people don’t know each other well. It is very effective for a facilitator with a new client. However, any two individuals can participate. You may be surprised how frequently pets may join in this exercise. They willingly help you to test your boundaries.
Step 1: Working with your partner, sit on the floor on a big cushion or in a chair about 12 feet away from each other facing your partner. One person will be Person A and one person will be Person B. Person A will slowly use the wool or string to create a boundary around him or herself. Both Person A and Person B take their time and become aware of what is going on inside their bodies as the boundary is set. Is there a temperature change? Is there pressure or tension anywhere in the body? Do any new aches or pains suddenly arise? Do you hold your breath or begin to breathe anxiously? Notice any thoughts that pop into your mind or other subtle shifts. Person B is just watching at this point without a boundary. What does it feel like when one person has a boundary and one person does not? Share your experiences. At this stage, if someone can’t feel any sensations, they are likely not in their body. It is important for them to take some deep breaths of oxygen into the body.
Step 2: Person B will then take their time setting a boundary around themselves with the wool or string they have. Again, each person is aware of what is going on inside their body when both individuals have a clear boundary. Share your experiences. At this stage, if someone still can’t feel any sensations, they are likely not in their body. It is important for them to bring some oxygen into the body. They may need to take some charged breaths. They need to place their fingertips just under their collarbones and take short gasping inhalations or breaths through the mouth with the mouth open. Take 5 and see if they begin to feel anything in their body. If there is no impact, take another 5 and see if they begin to feel energy flowing in their body. If they get dizzy or light headed they need to stop taking the charged breaths. Getting dizzy is the result of feeling more oxygen then they are used to handling in their body and they will shift out of their body again to get comfortable. Breathe in just enough oxygen to begin feeling sensations in the body.
Step 3: Person B will move forward a short distance toward Person A and reset the boundary around them. Again, each person is aware of what is going on inside their body when Person B shifts their boundary closer to Person A. Is there any tightening or tension in the body? Where is the tension located? Does your heart begin to race? Do you find yourself holding your breath? Is your breathing getting shallower? Do you have any aches or pains show up? Just notice whatever is going on inside. Share your experiences.
Step 4: Repeat Step 3 moving a bit closer.
Step 5: Person B will now move their body and boundary forward again. The boundary should cross slightly over the boundary of Person A. How do things shift in your body? Does this create tension (perhaps higher feelings of inundation desiring to push away) or does it ease tension (perhaps higher feelings of abandonment desiring contact)? Share your experiences.
Step 6: Person B will now move their body forward to touch the leg of Person A with their foot. Person B has their foot outside their own boundary to touch Person A. What is happening in each of your bodies? This exercise gives you a strong body-felt sense of your boundary when it is intact. Share your experiences.
Step 7: Person B will now shift back away from Person A in small increments. Person A can get the feeling of a good distance to be from others and maintain a boundary. This good distance is found when any tension, aches, or pains in the body ease. Note the comfortable distance from the other person so that you can take this insight into your daily life and relationships. Person B will roll up their wool or string. Person B notices how it feels to have no boundary after having a defined one. Person A notices how it feels to have a boundary when the person you are with doesn’t have one. Share your experiences.
Step 8: In a workshop setting if time permits, Person A and Person B now switch places and go through the steps again.
Step 9: Go about your day and be very aware of your boundary with other people. Be aware of when it is okay for others to be closer and when you prefer to have them further away. Listen to the messages of your body and respond in an appropriate manner. Your body will love you unconditionally for listening to the messages it delivers for your wellbeing. Can you feel it in your body when another person is too close or too far away? What might you do for yourself to feel comfortable with the person? Do you have to ask the other person to give you more space? Do you need to move forward slightly or back a bit to help you feel good inside and get connected to your boundary? Personal boundary space is a huge element within intercultural interaction. Some cultures tend to routinely engage in closer contact than others. Listen to your own body in these situations. Can you shift your boundary to accommodate; yet still actively listen to your own body and put your own needs first? This is very challenging for some people.
Step 10: For your own wellbeing, this exercise encourages presence in the body. You benefit when you create a life-long habit of body-felt energy awareness and maintain a strong healthy energy boundary for self-care.
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