Incest

In this blog post, I will address the topic of incest. Rape culture and sexual assault is such a huge topic today, that I thought I would systemically address the issue of incest in the family system. Let’s look at the societal definition of incest:

“Incest: sexual intercourse between persons so closely related that they are forbidden by law to marry; also :  the statutory crime of such a relationship.”

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/incest

First, I will discuss incest as defined by society, and second, what is meant by genealogical incest.

Bert Hellinger, considered to be the founder of Family Constellations, has been criticized for his systemic viewpoints on incest. Society makes its moral judgements on topics such as incest, taking an individualistic viewpoint, and controversy arises when individuals expect systemic constellations to pronounce judgement in the same way.   Systemic constellations look systemically at each issue and the outcome tends to reveal insight for the whole (family) system, not just for the individual.   In the work of systemic (family) constellations, the facilitator works with the client, hopefully looking back at the family system without blame or judgement. We cannot change the past, so we look back to understand “what was” in the family system that contributed to transgenerational emotional trauma and inappropriate sexual behaviours. We look back to expand our perspective and develop compassion for self and others.

Hellinger’s book, Acknowledging WHAT IS: Conversations with Bert Hellinger, written with Gabriele ten Höven, addresses many controversial topics. When asked if he believed in assigning guilt to the women involved in family situations of incest, a comment raised by many of his critics, Hellinger responded, “I’m not interested in assigning guilt to the women, nor am I interested in assigning guilt to the men, in the sense of judging them. I am interested in uncovering the hidden dynamics and seeking a way to help all the involved parties to find a resolution to the entanglements” (p. 116). He gives an example of a common dynamic in a family system where incest occurs:

“[…], in such a family the woman has pulled away from her partner – not because she’s a bad wife, but because she’s feeling a pull out of the family. Perhaps she’s following a dead sibling, for instance. At the same time, she feels guilty about pulling away and needs a replacement so that she can leave more easily. Then the daughter takes her place. It’s not that the mother pushes her to do that, because it’s a secret dynamic, a secret agreement. It happens unconsciously, for the mother as well as the daughter, which is why it’s so difficult to comprehend. The man carries the foremost guilt because he knows what he’s doing, even if he doesn’t see the systemic background or understand the dynamics. The woman usually doesn’t know what she’s doing because her role is unconscious.” (p. 117)

Franz Ruppert, in his book, Trauma, Bonding & Family Constellations: Understanding and Healing Injuries of the Soul, reveals some of the dynamics in the family system behind a woman who consciously or unconsciously tolerates abuse of her children: 1) she has suffered a bonding trauma with her own mother, 2) she may have suffered sexual abuse herself and psychologically compartmentalized the abuse, numbing herself to the child’s feelings, 3) there may be other women in her family system who suffered sexual abuse, 4) her mother passed on her unresolved emotional trauma and emotional numbing, 5) her own early sexual abuse would create a tendency to reject sexuality, and 6) she fears the consequences of speaking up for the child, as it might lead to the end of her security – her marriage – or create shame if the partner goes to prison (p. 165).

Hellinger says the mother would not be held guilty. He adds, “They’re all entangled. The basic rule still applies, however, that whatever a person does, no matter how entangled he or she is, that person must carry the consequences of the actions. I wouldn’t relieve the father of the burden of guilt just because of the entanglements” (p. 117). Hellinger’s motivation in the work is “to help individual people to find a way out of their entanglements, nothing more” (p. 177).

Hellinger says, “I stay in my own arena” (p. 177). This encourages other facilitators to leave their own agendas and outcomes for the work out of the process. The client guides the work and the outcome and the facilitator accompanies them on the journey. As I have mentioned in many past blog posts, healing begins when we acknowledge our need to heal and we take responsibility for our own wellbeing.

Long-Term Effects of Incest

People have different levels of emotional resilience and some victims of sexual assault suffer in life to a much greater extent than others. I believe that the greater the amount of unresolved transgenerational ancestral emotional trauma there is in the family system, spread across many family members and generations, the less resilient the individual. The emotional effects may include shame, anxiety, depression, guilt, humiliation, anger, lack of boundaries, inappropriate ideas about sexuality, substance abuse, fears, hyper vigilance, intimacy problems, inappropriate sexual and other behaviours, nightmares and flashbacks, sleep issues, school issues, mistrust, suicidal thoughts, relationship difficulties, aggressive behaviours, and feelings of self-doubt and isolation. The emotional trauma may contribute to difficulties in adult relationships with partners, instability in the workplace, physical and psychological symptoms, and social behavioural problems, such as criminal actions and transgenerational incest. By taking action, the trauma of sexual assault may not be totally eliminated from your cellular memory, however, the impact it has on your life can be shifted.

Understanding the Family System

Incest is like any other situation within systemic constellations in that context is key. Each field of energy and constellation brings forward insight from that particular family system. When the work is taken out of context it tends to become controversial and misunderstood. For this reason, generalizations can be problematic, however, they are sometimes useful. Generalizations are helpful when understanding energetic trends that arise over and over in different family systems. The human mind seeks to find patterns within the chaos to understand the world. The orders of family were developed by Hellinger as a result of witnessing similar dynamics occurring continually in different family systems.

In systemic constellation work, we shift our perspective to the big picture. We are required to step out of our narrow perception of childhood. In childhood, everything is taken personally. We are the centre of the universe. We rarely have an understanding of the big picture. We find ourselves in adulthood knowing little about our parents and grandparents, let alone the details of their emotional past. The child can never understand the big picture dynamic between the mother and the father.  Looking back without blame and judgement does not excuse the behaviour of the perpetrator, however, gaining insight and understanding can initiate an emotional shift for the victim. To heal, the individual needs to look at all the energetic dynamics in the family system without turning a blind eye to uncomfortable details. An individual has to understand their energetic role in the family system.

Incest is an energy dynamic in the family system that is greater than the individuals involved.  We look at what created the emotional behaviour of the mother and the father. What unresolved ancestral emotional traumas occurred in their family systems? Was incest, sexual abuse, or violence a family pattern?  Were emotional numbing, splitting off, or distancing family patterns? What happened in this family system to create the dynamics of abuse?   There may be many energy dynamics contributing to incest. Like addictions, abuse or incest don’t tend to happen without an energetic or emotional dynamic in the family system behind it. What dynamics created a perpetrator who felt the behaviour of incest was okay?

Out of Love and Loyalty

In her book, Family Constellations: A Practical Guide to Uncovering the Origins of Family Conflict, Joy Manné expresses the vastness of the love and loyalty of children:

“The love of children for their parents is limitless to the extent of being “crazy.” The first time I heard this expression I was indignant, but the more I work as a facilitator, the more I see its truth. Children will do anything for their parents. They are loyal to the point of death. They sacrifice themselves to atone for the guilt of their ancestors so that their family system can find balance again. They become problematic to keep their parents together. They become ill and die in place of their parents. They make themselves available to a parent as a sexual partner. This idea is so upsetting and controversial that I remind you immediately that we are in the field of the systemic conscience, and not in normal ego consciousness: this does not happen, or only very rarely happens, on a conscious level.” (p. 35)

Incest in the Family System

As with any dynamic within a family system, those family members involved in incest need to take responsibility for their own wellbeing. If you are the victim of incest, you have a choice to make. You can choose to remain a victim forever and not heal, or you can choose to take responsibility for your own wellbeing and sort things out energetically within your family system.  It is a choice.  Engaging with healing can be a very difficult process for many individuals. This can be a very difficult step. It may take a long time, many years, to feel ready to step up and take action. There are many energetic dynamics holding a person stuck: blame – someone has to pay, self-blame and shame, I refuse to forget, I’m unworthy – I’m spoiled goods, unconscious love and loyalty – I won’t let them hurt my parent or other family member, they won’t understand, or I don’t trust them. These old childhood emotional response patterns can be shifted. Healing from incest comes in acknowledging what was in the family system. A systemic constellation may be helpful in revealing what is suppressed or not consciously acknowledged. Holding in the emotional trauma only leads to continued un-wellness. While the past cannot be changed, you can learn a great deal about your family system from it, allowing you to shift your present and influence your future one baby step at a time.  If you were the victim of incest, abuse, sexual assault, rape, or any other form of violence, please take action to shift and transform your world.

Blame Creates Struggle

Individuals struggle to move forward if they remain stuck in blame.  Blame tends to limit the potential for healing.  I have written several blogs on radical inclusion and the right to belong that are a worthwhile read to understand this energy dynamic.  Also be aware, if you are seeking to find emotional resolution in the legal world for abuses, incest, or rape, it usually isn’t found energetically even if the perpetrator is tried and sentenced for the crimes against you. There is a greater field of energy at play that wants to find balance. When the issues of the victim are central to any process or solution, in effect, ignoring the issues of the perpetrator, the greater field does not tend to find balance. We all carry within us the energy of the victim and the perpetrator, whether from this lifetime or extending back through our ancestral past. Healing is found when the whole big picture is addressed and the emotional needs of everyone are considered to find resolution.

What About the Perpetrator

When a constellation is set up and it reveals possible incest or rape, the victim tends to remain stuck unless the perpetrator is acknowledged as having a right to belong. Everyone has a right to belong in the family system regardless of what they may have done or not done.   When the perpetrator is your father or another loved family member, or someone else you are close to, a huge trust is breached.  The child takes on emotional response patterns to deal with this breach of trust, and to survive at all costs.  The child may bury all conscious awareness of the abuse, incest, or rape – becoming numb emotionally or splitting it off into a different compartment of the soul to enable them to carry on with life. As difficult as it may seem, energetic space has to be given to the perpetrator for systemic overall healing to occur.

Constellations reveal that the journey of both the victim and the perpetrator is relevant to the healing of the greater human system. In effect, victims and perpetrators become members of one another’s family systems.  They become entangled energetically. Systemically, we all belong to one big family of energy universally.  So how do you deal with this person who has perpetrated incest against you without rejecting them as a family member.  Rejecting a family member creates un-wellness for you, even if you are the victim.  The only way to heal is to look back systemically at what was.  This requires you to look back at unconscious actions you may have taken even as a baby or young child. Out of unconscious love and loyalty to your family system, as Joy Manné mentioned, the child does what is necessary to survive at all costs. It can really hurt to find out you were somehow unconsciously involved in the abuse perpetrated against you – without any conscious awareness.  This does not mean that you were responsible for the abuse, incest, or rape.

Long-Term Effects

The long-term impact of childhood sexual assault varies for each individual. With sexual assault in childhood, the perpetrator is frequently someone in a position of trust in the life of the child. It may be a family member (incest), a teacher, a member of the clergy, a family friend, or a mentor. Using manipulative behaviour, the perpetrator convinces the child the behaviour is okay and convinces them not to report it because they won’t be believed. Silence often accompanies the occurrence of sexual assault. Silence and lack of emotional processing holds the pain and trauma in the cellular memory of the body. Franz Ruppert explains:

“The earlier in its life a child experiences sexual abuse, the more intensive the sexual contact, the more extreme the violence, the nearer/closer the relative and the more intense the attachment between perpetrator and child, the more concealed and serious are the consequences for the child. There is scarcely any event that harms girls and boys more than sexual abuse and sexual violence.” (p. 159)

In discussing the confusion faced within the child that is the victim of incest, Ruppert says that the child struggles to:

“Locate where she belongs in the family, she doesn’t know whether she is a child or an adult. She doesn’t know what to do and what not to do, what is right or wrong. She can no longer tell the difference between truth and lies and thus can no longer distinguish between what is illusion and imagination and what is reality.” (p. 160)

Looking at Incest Systemically

Within systemic constellations, whether the individual is a male or female victim of childhood incest, they are not held responsible for their involvement. However, to find healing, they need to take responsibility for their own wellbeing. There is a big difference between the two beyond semantics. The individual has to take responsibility for their role in any event within the family system, whether it was conscious or unconscious, physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, financial, or relational, both as a child and as an adult.  Does that mean the child is blamed for abuses or violence against them? No, that is not the case. In systemic constellation work we look back without blame or judgement of anyone. There is no fault finding.  We look at the energetic relationships as they were or are in the family system. That does not mean that we excuse inappropriate behaviours of anyone. We look back to gain an understanding of what was in the family system that contributed to the incidence of sexual assault or abuse. These incidents don’t tend to appear out of nowhere. We do encourage individuals to look back to understand any unconscious actions they may have taken. Understanding is one of the first steps in moving forward.

It is hoped that constellation work is done in a way to cause no harm. The healing work may create energetic, spiritual, and/or emotional discomfort and growing pains; however, doing harm should be avoided. The individual should be told that they can stop the work if they begin to feel uncomfortable beyond what they are prepared to address at the moment. This healing work is done in layers when the individual is ready for the next step. The work is done to shift the old energy patterns of the family system, and of the body, and to address what has been suppressed.  The whole process is meant to place the client outside their comfort zone to shift the status quo. The work I do is to get the people in their bodies, even if it is uncomfortable, so they learn how to create healthy boundaries with others, self-soothe, self-parent, and self-love.

Unconscious Decision Making

Healing during adulthood requires you to shift the childhood perspective that keeps you stuck in life. As one member of the family system, just one piece of the puzzle, clinging to your own narrow perception will contribute to ongoing suffering and struggle. The family system yearns for overall balance and healing. It longs for the flow of love to be restored. It desires unhealthy relationships to shift to be healthy relationships.

Some of our beliefs, thoughts, and actions are greater than us and greater than our family system. At the collective societal level or the deep ancestral or spiritual levels, you may have been unconsciously entangled. Ten percent of the mind is the rational conscious part and the other 90% is the unconscious part. Individuals don’t tend to consciously choose to harm themselves or to create struggle in their life, so that leaves the unconscious mind to be somehow involved. The unconscious 90% of the mind is the main director of the beliefs, thoughts, and actions of the human, not the conscious 10%. The conscious, rational mind follows the directives of the unconscious mind. We have autonomic systems in the human body that are still not understood. To believe otherwise is putting on blinders.

We, as human beings, have no idea of the extent and breadth of the talents and capabilities of the unconscious mind.  We have no idea how much of our life is predetermined.  We have no idea how many of our greatest fears and greatest life challenges were set up for spiritual and emotional development and growth.  Many have no concept of selecting their own parents to set up these challenges.  As I have mentioned in many posts, we benefit when we take a very wide-open systemic perspective to life, to the human journey, and the human condition.  I know that others believe differently and they are welcome to their perspective.  I am just learning to explore the vast expansiveness of the unconscious mind in our daily lives.

Genealogical Incest

Systemically, incest is a great deal more complex than crossing a taboo relationship law. Sometimes the field reveals genealogical incest, referring to sexual relationships between individuals who are energetically close, related by marriage, or raised in the same household but not related by blood ties. However, within society there is no taboo law against marriage or the relationship. These relationships can be very common in some cultures and in some family systems. There may however still be a powerful transgenerational energetic impact. Anne Ancelin Schützenberger, in her book The Ancestor Syndrome: Transgenerational Psychotherapy and the Hidden Links in the Family System, discusses some different examples of genealogical incest. Energetically these relationships can be too close for some family systems creating transgenerational issues and persistent conditions such as “cancers, suicides, [and] depressions.” (p. 113)

Some examples include:

1. Sexual relationship between step-siblings (marrying your new sister or your new brother)
2. Sexual relationship between adopted children of different biological parents raised as siblings
3. Sexual relationship between close cousins
4. Sexual relationship with those connected through marriage such as a sister-in-law, brother-in-law, or father-in-law. These dynamics are sometimes called double or triple connections. I know of families where two or three sisters married two or three brothers. In some situations, it may create confusion, resentment, and feelings of intrusion.

Genealogical incest may arise or be significant when there are sexual relationships between individuals with common names. These common names may create identity loss or confusion or energetic confusion of genealogical position or generations. For example, some mothers-in-law struggle with sharing their married name with a new daughter-in-law. Some sisters struggle with sharing their new married name with a sister. If James Smith marries Susan Smith, he may be unconsciously drawn to a woman who has the same energetic name as his mother, Mrs. Smith. If Susan James marries James Smith, she may be drawn to a man with a given name the same as her father’s surname. Children named after the feminine or masculine version of a parent or ancestor, such as Roberta named after paternal grandfather Robert, who had traumatic events occur in his life, may be energetically entangled with his unresolved emotional trauma. Marrying a woman with the same name as your sister or mother, or marrying a man with the same name as your brother or father, may carry energetic entanglements.  Unlike incest, genealogical incest may not be taboo by law, however, it may have a huge energetic impact within a family system, creating or pointing to many energetic entanglements.

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